From tob@cwis.unomaha.edu Tue May 18 18:29:59 1993
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Date: Tue, 18 May 1993 17:41:46 -0500 (CDT)
From: Tob Wood <tob@cwis.unomaha.edu>
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Subject: Employment
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Status: O


  As you all probably have figured out, I have an aversion to work.  Jobs
are just not a good thing in my mind.  So for a few years now, I've been
trying to come up with an invention that will make me rich so I can retire
to the Bahamas before I'm thirty.  Five years to go.  Fortunatly, I might
have come up with something this afternoon.

I was sitting watching TV with Mike (my new roomate).  We were laughing at
the people in commercials.  I was drinking Gatorade on the rocks (I quit
drinking alcohol a few days ago; can you beleive it?  I can't) when this
quite lovely woman with a strange accent just walks right in and starts
talking to us.  She was a friend of Mike's.  I can't remember her name now
because I am still stricken by her beauty.  She had a very sexy voice.  I
said hi, she said something, and then I got too nervous, so I went
upstairs and took a shower.  I'm very shy in real life and very high
strung.  Everything makes me nervous, especially provocative foreign
women.  Whenever I can't deal with something, I usually take a long bath
(my record is 5 hours 15 minutes; I like to read) but today I took a
shower because I had to wash my hair.  I love my hair, but sometimes I
treat it like crap.  So I washed my hair with my Vidal Sassoon shampoo,
dried it with my Vidal Sassoon hair dryer, and then styled it with my
Vidal Sassoon hairspray.  I dig Vidal Sassoon products.  I don't know why;
I think it's the TV commercials.  In fact, when I get super famous, I
think I will endorse Vidal Sassoon products.  The commercials would have
me in them, dressed in my CFM clothes, cavorting around town with my
entourage, and then at the end I'd say, "Because if I don't look good,
Vidal doesn't look good".   Wouldn't that be great?

Where in the hell was I going with this?

Oh yeah:  The inventions.   I think shower technology could be improved
upon.  For example, you know when you get out of the shower you're always
freezing cold no matter how warm it is in the bathroom?  Well, I figured
it was up to me to solve this problem (hey, somebody's got to do it,
besides, who do you know that's better qualified?).

     First solution:   When you are done bathing, turn the hot water off
and turn the cold water on full blast.  Stand under the freezing spray for
as long as you can stand it, then get out.  When you get out, you will be
warm because compared to that water, the air in the bathroom could bake a
cake.   This really works, but since the goal is not to be cold, the
process is self defeating.  Still, try it sometime, you'll be amazed.

    Second solution:  You know those air blowers that you drive under in
the last stage of a car wash?  Imagine stepping out of the shower and
being buffeted by four of them surrounding you.  They would blast hot air
at you to keep you warm and the side benefit of drying you off would
eliminate the need for towels.  Brilliant, eh?  Some days I think I'm a
genius.  Some days I think I'm a noodle.  Once I thought I was a cactus
named Percival, but it was only once.

And now, my other invention.  This one really has potential I think.
Everyone understands the dangers of washing the soles of your feet whilst
showering (I love that word; 'whilst', I use it whenever I can).  Standing
on one leg, trying to keep your balance whilst (see?) rubbing soap on the
bottom of your other foot is not exactly safe.  So I propose a circular
sponge disk that you stand on, and underneath are these scrubber/massager
things that also squirt soap like the thing that squirts the blue stuff onto
the windshield of your car.   Clean feet plus a foot massage.  I'd never
get out.  Well, yes I would, because I'd run out of hot water (which is
another thing; infinite hot water must be achieved before the end of the
20th century.  How come science can't deal with this?  They can make
computers that fit in the palm of your hand, but they can't make a lot of
hot water?  How does *that* work?  I think if I was in the government I'd
pull some of these research scientist out of NASA and subcontract them out
to Price Pfister and make them solve this problem once and for all. 
Forget rockets, space staions, shuttles and satellites, let's see these
boneheads make some hot water!).

What do I have to do?  Run the world?  Oooh, there's a scary thought, but
at least we'd be safe from Poisonous Tree Frogs, grunge rock, and cilantro.
That's the first thing I'd do; ban cilantro.  I hate that stuff.
===========================================================================

I watch a lot of TV.  I don't like TV shows, but I LOVE commercials.  My
two favorite (as of today) are the Lubriderm Lotion one where that sexy
woman in a teddy is laying on a white couch-thing in a white room with an
alligator walking around, and that one carpet commercial with the baby in
the walker zooming around knocking stuff over.  At the end when the baby
goes up and down the wall, tears come to my eyes.  That's art, man.
The commecials I hate are all the Mentos commercials, any dog food commercial,
and any car commercial where they have to use special effects like "Morph".
 And that one where they put the ball bearing on the car and then we have
to watch it roll around for 60 seconds.  Who thought that up?

Oh, I also love the Listerine commercial where the bottle of Listerine is
swinging thru the jungle.  I sing along with that on.  Too cool.

Enough of this.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So what happened with Mike's sexy foriegn friend you ask?  Well, I came
down after my shower feeling much refreshed and mostly calm.  All three of
us ended up chatting for about two hours about all kinds of stuff.  It
turns out that she's British, lives (usually) in South Africa, speaks five
languages fluently and likes to climb mountains.  She asked me if I liked
to climb.  I told her that I didn't actively participate in any activity
that required my body to be higher than eight feet off the ground.  I
could have listened to her talk all day, but she and Mike went somewhere. 
What the hell was her name? Hmmm.  Then I went to the store, bought some
milk (I hate milk; but I cook with it), came home and made TVP Stroganoff,
and ate whilst (there it is again) watching a bug crawl across the floor.
Wierd lookin bug.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\

Okay, one quik -n- EZ lunch recipe:

         TVP Stroganoff   by Tob, Chef of Dubious Talent

Go to the store.   Look around for awhile.  If you see anything bizarre,
let me know.  Buy one envelope of Lipton Stroganoff noodle side dish mix
or its equivalent.  Go home.   Start soaking about a half cup of TVP chunks.
TVP is Textured Vegetable Protein which is dried tofu.  I don't know where
you can get it; I mail order mine, but call health food stores and
vegetarian markets and stuff.   Prepare contents of envelope as directed,
but add about a quarter cup of extra water.  Once the TVP is
reconstituted, throw it in the pot with the rest of the junk and wait
until the noodles are cooked (al dente of course).  Let it stand for about
10 minutes, but keep tasting it, and burn your fingers because it's far
too hot.  Get something to drink.  I made tea.   Eat it (not the tea, the
other stuff).

.....................

Well, that's it for today, I have to go over to Scott's.
Tomarrow night I am going to a Gene Loves Jezebel concert.  I'll let you
know what happens, but if it's anything like what happened last time, it
might be better to let it go unsaid.

Tob

P.S. Hey Manuel,  I just thought of something else:  How about dinosaur races?
     I'd go watch dinosaur races if I could bet on them.




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