Symptom	Probable Cause	Solution
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet	Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face	Take a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique is perfect
Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale	Glass empty	Find someone who'll buy you another beer
Feet cold and wet	Glass being held at incorrect angle	Hold glass such that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet	Loss of self control	Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation
Bar hazy and out of focus	You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass	Find someone who'll buy you another beer
Bar swaying	Unusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts match	Insert broom handle down back of shirt
Bar moving	You are being carried out	Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across it	You have fallen over backwards	If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the bar
Everything has become dim. Your nose & lips are bleeding	You have fallen over forwards	Same as for falling over backwards
You wake to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You can't seem to find your bedroom walls	You have spent the night in the gutter	Check to see if it is opening time. If it isn't, treat yourself to a lie in.
Everything has gone dark and quiet	The bar is closing	PANIC!!!!