241 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk
to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up
out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start
subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in
the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face,
"They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on
a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to
come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what
you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and
eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry,
demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list
of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage
due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster or The Boog. Sacrifice something
nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand
up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up
for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching
violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it
at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's
an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a
baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her
suspiciously.
54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes
and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit
your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so
for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on
the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out
. . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe
into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a
towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take
his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to
him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the
floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act
like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two
weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame
your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her
music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into
him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't
say anything.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can't remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses,
then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate
that you don't trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the
fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in
the middle of the room. Explain that we all must do our part to clean
up the evironment.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on
when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she
can find them.
82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit
there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or
God Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your
roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one
after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until
they all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day,
spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got
sick.
91. Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of
breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through
carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything
to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't
looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your
roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don't ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you
walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your
roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and
lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks
in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about
them.
102. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your
roommate every morning.
103. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five
minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't
you be going somewhere?"
104. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and
wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
105. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
106. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that
you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell
him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
107. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon
as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic
Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
108. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have
to face the consequences.
109. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire
about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give
your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
110. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you
are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
111. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
112. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back
to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is
talking about.
113. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every
day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
114. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
115. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the
same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
again.
116. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
117. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
118. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
119. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up
for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately
take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
120. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate
in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here
much longer."
121. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the
head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."
122. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
123. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the
room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.
124. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your
room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your
roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate
write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs,
excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
125. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
126. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
127. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
128. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
129. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful
recovery. Start walking backwards again.
130. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
131. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If
your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she
hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
132. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
133. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
134. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour
every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and
lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for
your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the
window again.
135. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat
it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
136. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that
you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
137. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
138. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the
door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
139. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally
would.
140. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
141. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm
sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the
flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
142. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are
calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm
sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
143. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
144. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty
side of the room with concern.
145. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb
and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few
minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
146. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say,
"That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
147. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the
lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell,
"Okay, guys, you can come out now."
148. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you
to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
149. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."
150. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
151. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your
roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
152. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say,
"Well, it was fun while it lasted."
153. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim
that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your
roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
154. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
155. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you
have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the
room. Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately.
156. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).
157. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim
that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your
roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim
that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your
roommate.
158. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
159. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
160. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about
it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some
beans to your roommate.
161. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about
the cost of light bulbs.
162. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and
then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering
stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
163. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of
the week, report that someone has released the genie from the
lamp. Blame your roommate.
164. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do
so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to
know!"
165. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find
one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
done."
166. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh,
wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
167. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking
depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your
shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate
if you can box with his/her shadow.
168. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
169. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate
is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
170. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a
suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
171. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it
again, immediately change the subject.
172. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on
the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate,
immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
173. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day,
hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and
grumble, "Damn road runner...."
174. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know
what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
175. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
176. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd
like to have a conversation.
177. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate
walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
178. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech
to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while
eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
179. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope,
act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
180. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the
worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking
about.
181. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower.
182. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say,
"Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off
the hat, sit, and pout.
183. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing
things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell
him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
184. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent
about the importance of good manners.
185. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had
good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in
bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the
horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid
horseshoe...."
186. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at
it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the
jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
187. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin
singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on
the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
188. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for
about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the
refrigerator has been taking steroids.
189. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much
you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then
on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
190. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the
good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you
and your roommate.
191. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for
about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
192. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join
you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy,
these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
193. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's
going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash
everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain
that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
194. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
195. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
196. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on
them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each
day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving
into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you
think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
197. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage
can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your
roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
198. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down
the hall.
199. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic
training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your
roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said
not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
200. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that
they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while
your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of
having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the
Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks
look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth
marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
201. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room.
Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
202. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door
screaming, "Let me in. Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for
locking you out.
203. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
204. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad
at him/her for not listening to you.
205. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the
night.
206. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a
headache.
207. Start a brothel.
208. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
209. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it
mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure
he/she follows it.
210. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
211. Invite the school President to sleepover.
212. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
213. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your
roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
214. Walk into walls.
215. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
216. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm
melting!"
217. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and
stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
218. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm
watching you."
219. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride
back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until
he/she comes out.
220. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned
into Gumby.
221. Put sugar (or other white powderlike food substance) in a laundry
soap box. Add it to your coffee. Say it helps your digestion.
222. Grow plants. Talk to them. At 3 AM. If roommate complains, say
that his complaints are giving the plants bad vibes.
223. Do weird things to roommate's toiletries.
224. Take up whittling. Indoors. Don't pick up your shavings.
225. Buy lots of weird-religion books (Crowley, Scientology(tm),
Church of Satan, etc.) and every week be on a different religious
kick. Proselytize. Try to convert your roommate to a different cult
each week.
226. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. Stare at
people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
227. Spin round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you
hurl. Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes
you blow chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving.
228. Pull out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh
ball. Repeat. Juggle on occasion.
229. Get high on Marks-A-Lot markers.
230. Ponder all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his
life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch.
231. Relive the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard
fight. Maybe just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch
again.
232. Eat jewelry. Accesorize food.
234. Skip numbers.
235. Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around
your naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be
Free! Fly, be Free!"
236. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set
around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
237. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat
it. Start again.
238. Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of
course, if you happen to be male.
239. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
240. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedlingly
polite and godawfully rude every sentence.
241. Compile lists of approximately 250 things you could do to make
life hell for your roommate. Treat this list like a sacred
religious icon. Hold dramatic readings at least weekly.